One thing all people have in common: we want community that fully accepts and supports us. Research shows that our intense drive for connection developed through evolutionary biology. Literal survival mode. Humans didn’t evolve to be hyper-individualist, self-made billionaire loners hiding in a bunker. We have always had to depend on one another for our survival and we haven’t outgrown that.
I have come to believe that emotional resilience can’t be built outside of community. Think about it. If you are only engaging with yourself, you’re not going to have emotional resilience when something goes wrong, when someone makes a choice you don’t like, when you’re responsible for a decision that doesn’t shake out the way you wanted it to.
Community is where emotional resilience is forged, and I think it’s where a lot of aspiring anti-racists and activists miss the boat. Not because we suck or aren’t trying hard enough. Just because of life circumstances, dynamics, the
But if you haven’t been in community, that’s ok. I haven’t either. Hello, murderous global pandemic and attendant profit-driven responses. When you have the bad luck of living in the pandemic Upside Down, NOT being in community is sometimes the best way to be a member of the community. So if you have been feeling disconnected from community lately, I see you.
Emotional resilience is built in community.
I’ve been thinking a lot about building emotional resilience within the framework of anti-racism and (because of therapy!) about working on ourselves more generally. Between Covid, capitalism, and crumbling faith and civic communities, I feel like we’re finding ourselves in a very crucial time. A time where we need each other more than ever yet trust each other less and less. I also believe that, without doing the work on ourselves, attempting to be anti-racist is unserious.
I have a confession to make, and it’s kind of embarrassing. Here it is. As an anti-racist educator, I totally put the cart before the horse. I acknowledged that unlearning white supremacy is hard work but I engaged with aspiring allies like y’all had your stuff together. I’m sure you’ll forgive some of us for thinking that because you have more money, power, access, margin, and you show up, that you also have the emotional bandwidth and maturity to learn how to not be racist. Whiteness doesn’t actually allow for emotional health as a default. It’s still something white folks (and all of us) have to fight for.
Looking like you have your stuff together doesn’t mean you have your stuff together.
This is why white supremacy is also bad for white people. It’s not harmful in the same ways, but when it comes to emotional health, community well-being, and compassion, whiteness does not provide a foundation. I think the inverse of that is also true: if you love yourself, you have so much more capacity to care for others. This isn’t condemnation of anyone. I didn’t have the wisdom to notice this pattern, much less point it out until recently.
I say this with a lot of compassion because neurodiverse and whatever 🙋🏽♀️: community is hard and confusing AF. I’m willing to make room for other people’s needs, skills, weaknesses, and preferences. But I’m also not sure (yet!) how to deal with my social anxiety enough to make and keep friends. So zero judgment from me, y’all. I’m hoping to learn how to be in community alongside the rest of you.
I’m just gonna give it to you straight (or gay). Humans can’t learn to be emotionally resilient in isolation. You don’t have to be emotionally resilient ALONE, because you already understand you. You know your whole story. You understand the context, the nuance, the overarching themes, the struggles, and why you deserve compassion for your screw ups.
But when we lack connections with people where we understand their context, nuance, and overarching story, we can start to act as though our internal world is the entire narrative. We can’t be at peace with other people if we haven’t never had to practice it.
On that thought, here are some practical, science-backed ways to begin to build emotional resilience.
Practice being kind to yourself. Sounds kinda counterintuitive but we’re taught to be our own worst critics. If this seems impossible, start by actively being kind to people you have no connection with. Find something to appreciate about the people you know in passing, are in line with at the coffee shop, colleagues you find slightly annoying. Make a mental note of it, you don’t have to go give random strangers awkward, contrived compliments. ;) Rewiring your brain! It works!
Journal, even a little bit. Find a place - your notes app, a spiral notebook, even recording a video or voice memo - and work on getting fully vulnerable (or, as much as possible) with your own feelings.
Sit with your anger. When you get angry with yourself or someone else, justified or not, sit with your anger. Some people say anger is a secondary emotion, and while I don’t love that language, the fact is your anger is trying to tell you about something else you’re feeling. Anger is an invitation to get curious. Accept the invitation.
Build connections! If you’re an introvert or neurodiverse and this doesn’t come easily or naturally to you, that’s ok! I’m right there with you! Prioritize your own mental health and when you feel stable, CHALLENGE YOURSELF to step out of your comfort zone, whatever that looks like. Be present with other humans, in whatever context you are comfortable. (So. Not text/email. lol.) (Again, no judgment. I am trying to do the exact same work right now. Shoutout to Erin, Matt, Carlos and Meghan for being gracious with my overwhelming social anxiety rn but jesus hades christ.)
Thanks for sticking around for this. I think we REALLY need to learn these skills if we’re going to be able to survive and thrive in the coming years.
Hey there! I’m Tori. I’m a mom, a student, a writer, and educator. I’d love it if you would share this piece with your friends, families, colleagues, anti-racist groups, and co-conspirators. If you’re able, and you find my writing valuable, it means a lot to me if you are able to financially support my work on Patreon. Capitalism won’t save us but in the meantime we gotta pay the bills. :)
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