My secondborn is, generously, a handful. Up until this year, I mostly dismissed his near constant emotional upset as a result of being “born with a chip on his shoulder.” From the minute he understood where he existed in the family dynamic, he - for reasons I still do not understand - set out to destroy his older brother. I am a huge nerd about early childhood development because I believe it ties in DIRECTLY to anti-racism but even with expert help, I could not figure out why this child was so incredibly angry basically all the time.
I’m a nerd about brain development in general, but when I realized something was up with my kid, I also had all the resources at my disposal. We were able to get my son an autism diagnosis before he turned three. I read all the books. The county sent an early childhood specialist to our home every two weeks to help support us and build skills. I WORKED IN A NEUROSCIENCE LAB THAT FOCUSED ON ADHD AND AUTISM IN KIDS. Despite “having all the answers” for what might be driving his violent outbursts, I was coming up blank. Nothing I tried worked. Literal hours of my life every day were just me helping him calm TF down. For years.
I am always yelling at anyone who will listen that “humans evolved to co-regulate” but in my own head I was kinda like “well, humans except for my one kid”.
From the outside he has everything he needs AND wants. (Shoutout to my jetsetting co-parents who are filling up those kids’ passports.) But nothing was ever good enough for him. He was starting fights. In preschool. As a toddler. He got kicked out of two separate daycares for biting other kids. The number of hours I spent being hit, scratched, and bitten was… a lot. And then of course, in March 2020, the world basically ended. As you may recall, this did not help.
Recently I was able to discern that the reason for my child’s near constant anger WAS regulation. More specifically, having to use all the regulation at his disposal from the moment he woke up. Because of a significant speech delay, he was spending all day every day trying to get people (including us!) to understand him. He couldn’t communicate effectively, which I realized was devouring all his regulation. By the time I got to him at the end of the school day, he was maxed out. Hell, some days he started maxed out and it went downhill from there! He’d spend all day regulating, surviving feeling unheard and unseen because people often couldn’t understand him. His suggestions were ignored because his friends didn’t know what he was saying.
I was absolutely shattered when I finally put the pieces together. Like I said, I’m about the most expert a nonexpert can become. I have a Google alert set up for “brain development.” My kid was right in front of me and I missed ALL the signs. Even though I WAS LOOKING FOR THEM.
This experience significantly increased my compassion for anyone who struggles to regulate.
The current science frames self-regulation as a limited resource, much like putting gas in the tank of your car. Or maybe more accurately, charging your electric car. Regulation is a resource that gets refilled most efficiently during the night if you are getting good sleep. But if you are someone who doesn’t have access to good sleep because of high stress, your job, a health condition, noise or light pollution, heat, parenting a high needs sleeper… regulation might be a much bigger drain on your emotional tank. Depending on your body chemistry, odds are good you’re not gonna regulate as well. It takes more effort to regulate if your regulation tank is empty.
Data also shows us that highly stressful environments cause rapid depletion of self-regulation. Ever think about why cops are depicted in TV and films as wearing the suspect down with hours of inane interrogation? Yeah. They do that because it “works”. [To be clear, it does NOT work to get someone to tell the truth, it works to get someone to admit to a crime. Not remotely the same thing.]
How does this connect to racism?
You already know there are already a lot of biases around Black and brown people, and specifically around Black folks’ ability to regulate. It’s pretty much a trope at this point. But the lesson I learned from my son is that even if all of your material and emotional needs are being met, there could still be huge drains on your ability to regulate.
My kid has spent years trying to keep it together every day being asked to repeat himself 100 times a day, often multiple times in a row, and sometimes he just can’t anymore. In fairness, he’s 8 year and it’s not reasonable to expect an 8 year old to be able to keep it together all of the time. But what about the people who have had it worse than my kid? What about the kids who don’t necessarily have multiple adults who are safe people to “lose it” with? What about people who have had to work all day every day to keep it together for 40 years? Or 60?
My ask this week is simple. If you see someone who can’t seem to regulate the way you think they should, stop and consider what you might not understand about the situation before judging. If you’re ready to level up, let’s agree to practice not judging at all. The world will be better for it.
love + reparations,
Tori
Hey there! I’m Tori. I’m a writer, educator, and speaker. I’d love it if you would share this piece with your friends, families, colleagues, anti-racist groups, and co-conspirators. If you’re able, and you find my writing valuable, it means a lot to me if you are able to financially support my work on Patreon. Capitalism won’t save us but in the meantime we gotta pay the bills. :)
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